Repairing the Despair

One of the darker aspects of this pain situation, and indeed any ailment that leaves one confined to quarters, is the impact it has on ones mental health. 

I have not written a blog post for a few days because I have been slogging through the mud and darkness of depression and hopelessness. The weather had been cold and windy, the sounds of the world outside becoming an overwhelming demonstration of my own insignificance as life continued around me.

It sounds very dramatic, but it feels dramatic and overwhelming when one is in the midst of it. 

And the cause is sometimes as simple as lack of purpose and exercise. Its not always possible to exercise and stay on track with chores and such, not when every move you make is full of pain, sometimes, taking painkillers and sleeping it off seems to be the only solution, and sometimes it is. 

In my experience its really about finding that delicate balance between the physical, emotional and psychological pain, which is more dangerous at any given moment, which can I handle best right now?

This week, I could probably handle the physical pain better than the psychological, as I discovered when I tried to merely treat the migraine that lasted all week, and discount the effect the immobility and rest was having on my mind and emotions. All of this came to a head yesterday when I couldn't bring myself even to get out of bed to get something to eat or drink. 

Even drawing breath seemed to have no purpose, since I would just be breathing that air out again and it wouldn't really be as good as when it went into my lungs. Drink would just pass through me, food would just become either fat or waste. Nothing seemed to have any purpose. 

Then, at the height of my helplessness, I asked what could be causing it, and how I could fix it, and Christopher suggested exercise... which seems obvious to me now, knowing the benefits of those endorphins. So, I resolved to get moving today.

I did the washing, hung it out to dry, and took myself for a short walk into town to the nearest convenience store to do a little grocery shopping. I got my favorite treats, some veggies to go into a nice hearty stew, and as a treat for my bunny. 

I picked some dandelions and a pretty blue flower that didn't seem to realize that its winter. 

The weather today and for the next few days looks to be unseasonably warm, and I am grateful for the reprieve. 

After my jaunt into town, I am physically tired, and my muscles and head are quite sore, but my spirits have been lifted and I once again feel as if I can face the pain and fatigue. 

So, I am pleased to report that I feel like I am at least almost myself again! 

(I also cut my hair, and if that doesn't make one feel like a new person, I don't know what does!)